And Then It Was Nothing

The ultrasound was uneventful, in more ways than one.

First of all, as I drove there, I remembered how difficult it was to go see my Doctor last Friday and how I suddenly was overcome and began crying while I was checking in and then cried more as I was walked back to a room to wait.  So, I gave myself a pep talk, of sorts.  I was going back to the same place where I had been when I found out Gregory had passed away.  I told myself, “It’s okay.  It’s just an ultrasound and it’s just a building.  Try to keep it together.”  Rebecca texted me just before I was going in that she was praying for me, and I’m so glad she was.

I went through registration and then, the technician came out to get me…and…it was the same guy who had verified for the girl doing my ultrasound that she was not seeing heart movement.  I just took a deep breath when I saw him and reminded myself that this procedure will be quick, no need to worry about it too much, no tears…

So, it was uneventful initially in the fact that I was able to get out of there with no tears.  I decided I won on that front.

When my doctor called with the results, it was pretty much inconclusive.  There was something they saw that couldn’t be ruled out as a piece of placenta.  But they noted that, “It could be a fibroid.”  Well.  Okay then.  So, based on his confidence that I had indeed passed the placenta very quickly after delivering Gregory, he thought everything was probably fine and the bleeding I experienced was probably within the “normal” range.  He consulted with another doctor and advised that I should take an antibiotic as a precautionary measure and told me that I should expect spontaneous bleeding episodes like the one I had Sunday over the next 10-14 days.  

And I got a return to work date of tomorrow.

Finally, before getting off the phone, he offered me some spiritual healing by recommending that I read Chapter 4 of the Book of Wisdom.  I haven’t done that yet.  But I will.  I had school board meeting last night and then was getting kids in bed, etc.  But I will grab my Bible sometime today and read that.

It’s interesting.  When I packed for the hospital, I took along my Bible and my “Shorter Christian Prayer” book.  Here’s the thing about not being an avid Bible reader, or someone who knows passages by heart, etc:  I may have had my Bible, but I would never have known where to look in the Bible for anything that could help me.  

In that vein, how grateful I am to my doctor!  I haven’t even read it yet, but I know it will help me.  Just the fact that he shares my Catholic faith and seems to have a strong faith life himself has made me feel better.  Truly…another blessing for which I am so very grateful.

I plan to run a few errands today and get myself in the right frame of mind to return to work tomorrow.  I plan to pick up some stationery and a few particular Thank-You cards.  I have many people to thank for their love, kindness, generosity, support and compassion over the past two weeks.

I had a pretty good day emotionally  yesterday even with everything going on.  My children continue to be a source of immense joy for me that help me process and understand Gregory’s role in our family.  My husband continues to be a huge source of strength for me as I wade through this grief.  There are more days coming that will be hard, I know.  One will happen in the next week, when the cemetery sends us information on ordering a marker for Gregory’s grave.  There will be another week anniversary to ponder in just a couple of days.  At some point, I know I will mark the time in months, and then finally in years.  It’s strange, I’ve noticed that sometimes women focus on the due date of their baby as a sort of milestone or marker.  Perhaps I will, too.  I’m not sure.  Right now, March 1st is the day I will always remember my precious Gregory, I think.  But, who knows?  The due date hasn’t approached yet, so I don’t know how I’ll feel then.

Vincent started wanting me again.  A few months back he kind of got a “Daddy Crush” and would only want Craig to hold him or to play with him or comfort him.  In the last week, he has reverted to wanting me more, and that has been very helpful.  Although, as we walked into the daycare today, he insisted I put him down and he walk himself up to the door.  He’s been taking his pants off and putting his socks on.  And, he’s been showing signs of potty-training readiness.  And, it hits me — that he is growing and maturing and will no longer be a “baby” with diapers and such in a fairly short time.  I’m not sure how that is going to hit me.  It’s been so long since we have lived without a baby in the house or on the way.  

Thank you all for the kind words you have sent me through comments, or facebook messages, or texts, or e-mail.  I do want you to know how helpful it has been.  Our family has been lifted up in prayer to heights I have never been aware of before, and I know that is why we are where we are emotionally and physically.  So, thank you for all of your caring and your compassion.  It has helped to bring grace and peace to our lives at a time when those two things have been so necessary.



Rambl-ey Update Post

I was planning to go back to work today. I guess that wasn’t acceptable to Someone because some physical things happened in the last 24 hours to prevent that.

And so, here I am, still at home, trying to rest a bit, maybe get the kitchen cleaned up.  When I had planned to be back at work today.  I have an ultrasound scheduled for 1:30 p.m.  The ultrasound was ordered to ensure I did not retain placenta.  My doctor was fairly certain all was good in this arena.  But some continued large clots are causing some worry in that department.  So, the ultrasound will help us figure out where the clots are coming from.

I remembered this morning as I drove Vincent to the babysitter that I have had Fibroid tumors in the past that have caused excessive bleeding.  So, this could be part of that.  Fibroids grow quickly with increased hormone levels…so the one I already knew about could be bigger now, or there just could be more of them in my uterus.  Obviously, the ultrasound will help us figure that out.

I’ve filed a short term disability claim through the insurance company so that I don’t deplete all my paid time off with all this stuff.  And that makes me feel a little less anxious as well.  I know that my doctor will approve and give me an appropriate “return to work” date once we get everything figured out. 

It is weird.  I don’t cry all the time now.  And for that I am grateful.  I have even been able to smile and laugh with my family.  My children are so good at helping with that.  But, there is still sadness that I can feel almost constantly.  The level is usually determined by how much I allow myself to think about it in a given moment.  And while it’s not all the time, when the urge hits, it is often without warning.  I find myself lost as I begin processing emotions and realize that I’m in the company of my children or somewhere else I’d rather not be while I’m crying and grieving.

Attending Mass yesterday was still painful.  The Psalm got to me this time.  “Taste and see the goodness of the Lord” was difficult.  I mean, I know the Lord is good, but right now it’s painful.  “I will bless the LORD at all time; his praise shall be ever in my mouth” was the part that did it.  And I do bless the Lord, still, but I just wish it weren’t so darn painful.  I am not angry at God.  I understand that Gregory had his place and it just happens to be with God for a much longer time that he was with me.  But even though I’m not really angry, I am still sad and I miss my baby.  And I think that is why I cry.  

Receiving Communion is still painful.  The separation rears its head nice and ugly right as I pray, “Lord, I am not worthy that You should enter under my roof…”  Because, I am sad that I am not worthy to be with our Lord and with Gregory right now.  I’m so pleased that Gregory is worthy to be in the presence of our Lord.  But I’m so sad that I can’t be with Gregory.  I’m still here on Earth, working out salvation in fear and trembling, and it’s painful.  I do hope that someday soon, I can receive our Lord in the Holy Eucharist without tears of sadness and separation running down my face.  But for now, it’s just a very apparent separation.  And what is even odder, is that while I am sad at the separation, I am also comforted in knowing Gregory is where I hope to be at the end of my earthly life.

Something I stumbled upon while looking for some online support…


Our lives continue…
Sarah got back into her volleyball practice routine with a practice Thursday and then yesterday.  Dani was back at her guitar lessons and Helen back at ballet.  Dominic has 2 birthday parties to attend in the next few days and Helen has one this weekend, too.  Vincent has maintained a schedule so much better than I thought he would, and he’s talking more and more and his little personality is really working itself into the fabric of our family right now (I just love 1-year-olds anyway, for that reason).  

Yesterday, I went shopping to purchase some clothes that would fit me these next few weeks while I go to work.  With previous pregnancies, I had 6-8 or 10-12 weeks to work off some of the pregnancy weight I’d gained.  Having only a week — and a week in which I wasn’t really focusing on making healthy eating choices at that — was not helpful for getting back into some work clothes.  I did go back to Weight Watchers on Saturday to get a starting point and begin the process — before anyone chides me a bit about it, I just knew if I didn’t go back to a meeting, I would eat myself into another 10 pounds to lose and I just can’t let myself do that.

Craig’s has been back to work since Wednesday.  I think I will encourage him to get a run in or a workout of some sort soon.  I think he would enjoy it, and I would like to see him do that.  It just feels like I’m going through the motions of getting everyone back to where we were before February 28 at about 12:15.  And I know it’s only been 12 days, so I’m not expecting it to all be okay right now.  But I just kind of do the routines so that we have something to do.  Some kind of normal is better than no kind of normal, from what I have been able to discern.

So, there’s a rambl-ey update post for you.  We’re putting one foot in front of the other — like we always have.  I have a post brewing to discuss just how awesome the support has been for us — from our parish, our families, our friends, the online/blogosphere and the twitter — it will be an overwhelming post I think, so I’m thinking it through.  I can’t imagine going through something like that with anything less than what we’ve had.  But I know it must happen all the time, and that makes me so very sad.

Okay, it’s Monday.  I need to get myself cleaned up to go to this ultrasound appointment.  I am praying it’s “just” (haha) the Fibroids and nothing worse than that.