I knew at some point, I’d have to write a post like this. Only because the words have been working in my head ever since the week we lost Gregory. I wish the push didn’t have to be due to a friend having trouble in pregnancy right now. But no matter what, I’ve thought about this many different times over the course of the past three months.
I really never truly understood the pain of losing a child during pregnancy until it happened. Furthermore, having never suffered complications before, I really didn’t understand the pain and anxiety associated with pregnancy for others. I can say right now, I’m extremely afraid to get pregnant again because I think I’d suffer some major anxiety or worry over every little thing — I’d probably go insane.
When I would hear about complications in pregnancy or friends losing their babies before we lost Gregory about halfway through my pregnancy, I felt true sadness. I often did feel horrible and helpless. As a matter of fact, I was quite empathetic (in my mind) to what was going on and I would offer fervent prayers for her and for her baby and for her family. I’m not going to short-change my effort there. I truly would pray so hard and really try to imagine myself in her shoes, walking that walk of losing a child.
It wasn’t my fault, but the fact is I. had. no. idea.
Seriously, I had no idea at all what the pain was like. How could I? I had never suffered this pain. I had the perspective that it was God’s plan that the baby was taken up to Heaven without spending time on earth with family. There was nothing wrong in what I did — I was honestly attempting to understand, empathize and offer up any of my own suffering or sacrifice for those who miscarried. Even my own sister, who has suffered losses on the way to her five children she and her husband share earthly life with, could never have helped me understand the level of pain required for true empathy in her situation.
That all changed when God called Gregory home. The pain — physical, searing, horrible — in my heart when I was told my baby had died…it’s so difficult to convey to someone else. And you really don’t want to because you know how painful it is. You never want anyone else to feel that pain.
Now, when I find out about friends losing children, or even friends suffering difficult pregnancies — that wound in my heart throbs. It is an echo of that physical, sharp, horrible pain I felt the day I learned Gregory died — but it’s still raw. I can’t stop tears. I can’t stop from praying a Hail Mary and asking our Blessed Mother to come to the aid of that momma who is having trouble or who may already be grieving her child.
When I lost Gregory, so many women came out of the woodwork, so to speak, to share their loss-experiences with me. They provided some comfort, they told me they understood, and because they’d been there, I knew it was true. I was grateful that they shared with me that they’d walked this sorrowful walk in life.
And for those who hadn’t lost a child that offered condolences, I was so grateful for the experience of my past when I, myself, didn’t really know the pain of my sisters in Christ. Because I knew their prayers and words came from a pure and innocent place in their hearts – a place untouched by this deep sorrow. And their prayers lifted me and my husband and our family up to a place where we could begin this process of healing. I’m forever grateful and truly understand how and where these prayers originate.
I have thought about my friend and prayed for her and her family A LOT over these weeks. I realize that once again, I’m in a place where I can’t imagine what she’s going through. My friend has not lost her baby, but her baby is struggling to make it to viability due to her complication. Her baby is healthy with a heartbeat and everything at this time. All she can do is stay off her feet and wait and pray and ask us to pray for her and her baby. It breaks my heart all over again to know another momma who just wants her child to live, just wants her baby to be here with her…and she is completely at the mercy of God, as are we all.
Right now, I simply need to ask any of you reading this to pray.
PRAY to our Heavenly Father or ask our Blessed Mother’s intercession for a miracle for healing in this woman’s womb and keep that baby living and developing.
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Remember, O Most Gracious Virgin Mary,
That never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection,
Implored thy help, or sought thy intercession was left unaided.
Inspired by this confidence, we fly to thee, O Virgin of Virgins, Our Mother.
To thee do we come, before thee we stand, sinful and sorrowful.
O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not our petition,
But in thy mercy, hear and answer us.