Find The Courage To Begin (Again)

How to start….well, I just have to start.

I’m going to be blogging a bit more regularly. The past couple of years have seen me take extended breaks. I’ve wondered what it is that’s kept me away and I’ve decided it’s been a number of things.

  1. Job changes and schedule changes and life changes caused me to lose my newfound confidence and commitment to my health and I gained weight again. Even though I remained active, I did not maintain my commitment to mindfulness with my eating habits. Of course, the spiral was complete with emotional eating, stress eating and just simply … eating.
  2. The landscape of our world is scary. I mean that politically speaking but I also mean that in a “oh-my-gosh-my-kids-are-going-to-be-adults-soon and…What the actual F—?.
  3. I lost my voice — whatever voice I thought I had. We made some changes in our family that I wasn’t comfortable discussing publicly on the blog. I’m not sure I’m 100% ready for that now, but I’m getting there.
  4. I lost the feeling of connected-ness I had once felt within the blogging community. Some of my favorite blogs went underground. Others morphed more into video or radio programming. And honestly, I simply didn’t have time anymore.

So here I am now. What’s the difference?

To be honest with you, I’m not sure there is all that much that is different right this moment. I’m overweight and find myself trying to re-commit to my healthy eating habits and drop this 30-35 pounds I put back on, so I am looking for an accountability outlet. I doubt I have much to say politically speaking because too much that is out there is far too angry (and honestly, seems completely irrational) for me to try to be a part of anyway. The changes we’ve made within our family are public and I am finally figuring out how to speak about them in a way that pleases me and honors the work my husband and I did in making them. I’m not sure I will feel as connected as I once did in the online community, but I’m going to try.

When I went back to Weight Watchers in the fall of 2013 and stayed committed through the next 8-10 months, I remember my weekly update blog posts being a huge source of support for me. Many encouraging words were written in my comment section and I received e-mails and text messages that kept me motivated throughout the process.

I’m not going to lie, I’m embarrassed to be in the situation where I need to lose 35 pounds again. It is difficult not to feel like a fraud and a failure. But at the same time, the rational part of my brain keeps me informed that life is messy and sometimes that means we mess up the things we worked so hard for. And it’s okay. Finding the courage to begin (again) has always been worth it before and if this accountability outlet was so helpful before, it can be again.

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So this is me these days…

Perhaps with regular writing on my return to a healthy weight and healthy lifestyle, I can find my voice again with regard to other things that are important to me, like raising my kids, working outside the home and balancing marriage and family amidst everything else that goes crazy with five growing children.

I hope if anyone out there is still reading this blog when a post pops up, that you’ll join me for this journey once more. I can’t promise I’ll be witty or charming, but I can say that my emotional health is quite a bit better than it was a couple of years ago and I think it gets a bit better every day. I’d like to share things like recipes, weight loss strategies and life hacks that seem to work as I chip away little by little at this weight loss thing. I’d love it if you’d share with me as well.

If you have stumbled upon this blog and this is the first post you have ever read, I welcome you to join me again and let’s get to know one another. I love to meet new people, experience new things and learn from those who think differently than I do. While I don’t anticipate much of what I write to be all that controversial, I can tell you that every now and then I get feisty and something opinionated comes out on my blog and I stress about who will hate me for writing it.

If you remember me from the days of Natural Family Planning posts every day during NFP awareness week or from my discernment on family size days, or the grief-filled months following the intra-uterine death of our youngest child, I also welcome you to continue reading. So much from those experiences shapes who I am and how our family has grown, that those topics are sure to surface from time to time. But I also expect that until I get going again, Weight Watchers weekly updates are probably going to be the bulk of what you’ll see here.

Finally, for those of you who were with me a couple of years ago, I still do CrossFit for my fitness activity.

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Here I am in the bottom of an overhead squat

It feels amazing that even as my weight crept back up to the place I swore I would never let it go again, I continued to work hard at lifting weights and trying to accomplish things like pull-ups and push-ups and double-unders and things that I couldn’t do before. Granted, it’s been more difficult at a heavier weight and I look forward to losing the weight and being able to crank out the push-ups again, but I am still amazed at the things my body can do and that I am still strong.

I plan to do a CrossFit competition on a team in May and am considering entering a CrossFit competition as an individual (scaled) this summer, too. I am goal-oriented and need something to work towards. It will be fun to have a place to share my triumphs as well as struggles with CrossFit going forward.

If you’re new (or even if you’re not) leave a comment with your blog (if you’re a blogger) so I can get to know you! And thanks for coming along with me on this journey as I begin (again).

 

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9 thoughts on “Find The Courage To Begin (Again)”

  1. I understand about the weight gain as I have the same struggles with weight. But instead of shame for gaining 30-35 lbs., pat yourself on the back for recognizing the behaviors behind the weight gain and having the courage to do something about it! I am struggling to keep off my 110 lbs. I lost the past two years so if I can offer any encouragement, I would be happy to do that. Blessings, Kim

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  2. I’m excited that you will be blogging more! You inspired me after I had my last baby to do something healthy for myself. I’ve joined a roller derby boot camp. I’m terrible at it, but it’s a lot of fun and a great work out!

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  3. Your #3 and #4 – I nodded in understanding as I read them. Certainly for different reasons, but yes. Finding my voice and acknowledging the community that meant so much is now different – it certainly makes blogging again challenging in a way similar to, but also different from, those very first days of doing so.

    I do hope you will share the changes your family has experienced. I think that even if no one else says so publicly, there will be someone reading who says “me too” and is grateful that you shared. Just my 2 cents worth :).

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  4. You are back!!! Yeah!!! I am not sure why it didn’t show up on my blog roll, maybe I have an outdated link. But I clicked over from Rebecca’s blog today and caught up on some of the recent posts. 1st of all – solidarity on the weight gain and starting to recommit! While I have been overweight for years, I am about the same weight and want to lose that same 30-35lbs. Can we pray for each other? I really want to get in better physical, mental, and emotional health before my big 4-0 in August. Okay, I am off to update the blog roll link I have for you. Glad you are writing again!!

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