Even years down the road, there are some things that will never change. I will never fit in anywhere. Therefore, my children will never fit in anywhere. And no matter how hard I try I will fail to make up for some perceived lacking in my life in my children’s lives.
We are going through a lot of changes around here. Not just on the blog (yeah, about that…one of these days I’ll get some pictures and links and things put up to adorn the white space). Internally, I have been making some changes in myself — some good, some bad, some about to change back. Within our family, we have been making some changes — everyone is growing up, of course, but even more than that. Within our daily environments some big changes are coming, as a result of the changing that’s been going on already.
First, as for me: Remember all those Weight Watchers Wednesday posts I did a couple years ago? Yeah…I switched jobs (actually a major career move/switch), subsequently got all out of routine, and ate my way back to overweight status. Blah. So one change I am returning to this week is attending Weight Watchers meetings and getting back on track in that vein. And next week, I am returning to Crossfit and running to get my activity back in order.
Secondly, for me: I deactivated Facebook recently. For any of you that know me, you know that’s a HUGE deal. I decided it was necessary. That little “Memories” function that Facebook came up with (after Timehop, of course) that puts your memories in front of you every day? Yeah…that kind of woke me up a little bit to how attached I was to Facebook and how I used it as a way to get attention. I don’t need that much attention, I have decided. I want to be more deliberate about what I communicate about my life and to whom. I’m rather surprised at how little I miss it, even after only a couple of weeks.
Thirdly, for me: I stayed in the real estate biz, but have moved into something of a spin-off as I joined on with “professional landlords” and began doing leasing work. I’m still in the first month, so I am busy building a pipeline and getting my bearings. The best part about it is that I am able to work from my home and set my schedule. I have never had that before! So far, I love it…now for that pipeline to come to fruition.
The changes in the family aren’t so drastic at this point. It’s been quite the eye-opener having Sarah in the public high school. We have actually found ourselves quite impressed with the teachers, the programs and of course, Sarah’s made some good friends. Public school is not this big scary thing to be feared anymore — at least not for us. As a matter of fact, we see many opportunities available there that are not available in the parochial schools. It’s definitely been something we have taken notice of and added to our ongoing discernment with regard to educating our children.
Even with changes, many things remain the same. I continue to feel like an odd woman out among most of the women I know. For some women, I still feel like I’m not holy enough to be included in their inner circle (especially since I chose the big bad public school for high school…). For other women, I still feel like I’m not put together enough (I am able to keep up my hair style, but the manicures, pedicures, makeup and wardrobe are usually lacking). And yet for others, I don’t have enough time to give to my children — I can’t attend every event with them, I shuttle them around to all their activities, but can’t stay to watch and enjoy all that often. I don’t pray enough. I don’t chit-chat enough. I don’t have enough money for all the fun things. I am not with-it enough to get registrations and payments for camps and teams and every gosh darn thing in on time.
Thank God family adores me. They truly keep me from believing I am a useless piece of you-know-what. Craig supports me in all of my changes and doesn’t nit-pick at the ways I’ve fallen short. I pick the kids up from school and they are ecstatic. I walk through the door and the kids rush to me and hug me. I leave for an appointment and they don’t want me to leave without giving them a kiss. Yes, thank God my family keeps me from breaking down most days.
The hardest part is that I feel like my shortcomings really hurt my children in the social arena. I mean, some of the same things happen to Dani that happened to Sarah in middle school — so now I’m thinking the constant here is their mother and her inability to do the social networking correctly. I thank God that Dani’s self-esteem is not rooted in how many invitations she gets to things because that could be very bad. No, Dani is a sweet, kind-hearted and loving child who is comfortable in her own skin. I could learn a thing or two from Dani. She’s an easy kid to sweep aside…probably because it’s happened her whole life that she doesn’t even see it that way. And maybe it’s not really that way. Maybe I just can’t see things clearly because my mind’s eye is clouded with the visions of all the times I feel excluded or neglected. Who knows? All I can say is…middle school still sucks. Good Lord, I can’t believe I have to do middle school four more times.
And I wish I could say I have evidence it will be better for my younger kids — like I have learned lessons and become a bit more likable — but, I don’t. Dominic’s class threw a baby shower for his teacher earlier this school year — and I didn’t even know about it until I got tagged in a photo from it on Facebook. I know it wasn’t intentional — a simple overlooking of including my e-mail address. Of course, I felt awful missing it because I surely would have wanted to contribute in some way. But I also felt invisible…again.
Over the years, all these instances of things happening that surely aren’t intentional, but yet always happening to me or my children, it all takes a toll. I’ve worked hard to control my anxiety on some levels and over different time periods. But the anxiety increases every time something happens that hurts. At some point, I think I’m going to decide to remove myself altogether from situations that hurt. And most likely, no one will notice or care anyway. And part of me hates that. And another part of me doesn’t care anymore.