The text came through while I was driving to work. It came from Rebecca and she was letting me know she would offer Mass for Craig’s and my intentions today on the Feast of St. Gregory the Great. The notification of a Tweet from Rae with similar sentiments also came through this morning. And I’m thankful that others remember my baby with me.
For some reason, it makes me happy that Gregory’s Feast day falls 6 months after his birth/death day. No, not exactly…but close enough (March 1, September 3…pretty close, right?) It gives me a chance to pause and to ask my sweet baby boy in Heaven to pray for me. I think about him every day not matter what, but when the kids have their birthdays and their baptism days, those are extra special days. It seems only fitting that Gregory would have a special day, too.
It is interesting how Gregory penetrates my consciousness anymore. I think of him often every day. I have his birth stone on my Mother’s ring which always reminds me.
A couple of weeks ago, during Mass, the Communion Hymn was “On Eagle’s Wings.” I sobbed, right there in the pew after receiving the Eucharist, for the first time in what seemed like many months. It had been a very long time since I had cried at Mass while missing my Gregory. It took me by surprise. But not really. Life has continued over the last 18 months, but never as though he had not lived in my womb for 5 months. He is always there in the background. I think of my six children, the five I can see and hear and touch and hug and hold–And the one that I am missing and simply left to reflect: “He would be walking by now,” or “I bet he would have had fun doing that with his brothers.”
On Friday evening I came home from work to find this sitting on the desk:
|Dominic drew 6 people (I found “people”=”children” 🙂 )|
I knew this was a Kindergarten picture, so I called Dominic over and ask him who he had drawn on the paper. He pointed to each and was naming himself and his siblings and then he pointed to the 2nd one from the left and said, “That’s the baby. You know, the one we were going to have. His name is Gregory.” It was one of the sweetest things ever for a momma to hear. I told Dominic that it made me happy that he drew Gregory with all the other kids and Dominic said, “Yeah, that is why I said there are 6 people in my family, because Gregory is in my family, too.” I am so grateful he remembers his baby brother that is not here with us. And it makes me happy for him to give voice to his remembrance.
Someday, I hope and pray, all of my kids will be together in Heaven. I envision a circle of them all holding hands and a swell of happiness as they enjoy being together at last. I’m grateful for the friends — near and far — who send me sweet messages of love when they think of my baby. The sadness has lessened over these months and I am also thankful for that.
There are times I come back to this blog and I search my posts for Gregory and read the sadness and longing and grief in the words I wrote in the months following his death. I’m glad I have the record of it and I am also relieved not to feel so sad all the time anymore. There is a bit of sadness still, but it diminishes more with time to where the feeling is more longing to be with my child and not so much a sadness that he has passed. An understanding has replaced that sadness — that someday, God willing, I will have the opportunity to be in the presence of God and Gregory, and I will feel complete and whole.
to my baby boy, Gregory: The hole in my heart still aches, my arms still long to embrace you, and I miss you. I love you.