Here I Go Again

I don’t have much to say other than…Getting back on Paleo right now is not happening.

I’d let that be the end of this post, but that’s too Twitter/Facebook-ey of me. I guess I knew I didn’t have the right mindset for it right now. Thursday will be six weeks since my surgery and that means I can get back to Crossfit workouts. Yay. 

Thursday also brings an opportunity to attend the next Weight Watchers at Work meeting.

I think I gotta go back to the Weight Watchers meetings. I’m like that undisciplined kid that needs an accountability check every 7 days and the only way I think I can make myself do it long-term, if at all, is to get myself to the WW at work meetings. I am always successful the first 6 weeks or so when I am on plan. I track diligently, I attend the meetings. I am a good little Weight Watcher.

Then…I drop 10% of my body weight and i start thinking I can do it all by myself and I drop off…

And it’s not long before I’m right back where I started.

Link

Many much-smarter people than I could write pages and pages about concupiscence, and human tendencies and how they scream for the void to be filled with the only thing that can fill voids — God. But I’m not going to go there. I know I lack in my prayer life and I know I lack in my faith. And I promise to keep trying to fix those things while I work to lose weight.

But I also seriously lack in the self-discipline department. I feel like such a fraud when people tell me how “good” I am that I get out there and exercise. It’s kind of weird to say…”Well, the exercise is the easy part for me — the hard part is the eating.”

Because when it comes down to it — eating is my problem. I eat too much and I eat too often. I eat when I’m bored and I eat because I’m sad. I eat because it’s lunch time and then I eat because it’s dinner time and I eat because it’s snack time. Then I eat because it tastes too damn good not to eat it.

I have long since passed the point where I am able to exercise off the amount I eat and that is the problem I must face. I honestly don’t think it’s the WHAT that I eat. It truly is the HOW MUCH and HOW OFTEN. It is also the WHY. 

If I would just stop to think about WHY I felt like eating before I popped another mouthful of food in my mouth, a number of things might happen. I might…

  • cry because I’d stop to think about WHY and realize that I am sad or depressed or desperate and food was going to make me feel better
  • hyperventilate, because stopping to think about WHY might help me remember I already ate 4 meals that day
  • pound my fist on something hard, because the physical pain might then drown the emotional pain I feel that I was hoping to drown in food

So. Yeah. Part of me wants to continue to blame my problem on the unhealthy body image I’ve always had and the unhealthy food associations I made growing up the way I did.

But. No. It’s time I realize that I’m an adult who has some issues and I can no longer keep turning to food for my fix.

So, tomorrow, on Thursday, I am going to go to the At Work WW meeting and weigh in (yet again) for the “first” time and try to do this thing. I won’t report more about it until next Wednesday, which I plan to call, going forward, Weight Watchers Wednesdays. 

Starting next week, you can expect a post every Wednesday that will give the rundown of what the previous Thursday’s weigh-in was, the focus of the meeting, My weekly PointsPlus target, some of the things I did that week to stay within my PointsPlus target and my exercise (I’ll try to translate to the Activity PointsPlus). I will also give a little info on how I felt that week (was it difficult? was it easy? was it comfortable? was I proud? was I a stinkin’ mess? You know…)

I have no idea if this interests anyone, but my plan is to do it until I get six weeks past hitting my goal weight (which means I would attain Lifetime status with WW). I think I just need the motivation to keep going with it and maybe comments from readers (hint hint — if you read my posts, please feel free to comment and encourage me 🙂 ) will keep me going on it.

Something has got to keep me going anyway.

I’ll still blog other things, of course, but Wednesdays will be for Weight Watchers. 🙂

Throwback Thursday Reruns: In Pictures

This week, instead of sharing an old post, I am going to share some pictures from my earlier days on the ol’ blog.

Nothing makes it so glaringly obvious how fast my kids are growing up, than looking at photos from only 2 (in some cases 3) years ago.

From Christmas before Vincent was born. Sarah-9, Dani-7, Helen-almost 5, Dominic-about to turn 2

Vincent the morning after his birth
My Aunt Bea, months shy of her 100th birthday (she died 6 days short of it), holding Vincent at 3 weeks old
4th of July, a year ago


Monday Mumbles – 59

It’s another Monday. I just counted and I only have to work on 8 more Mondays in 2013. Part of me thinks, Whoa…almost to the end of the year. The other part of me thinks, Woo-Hoo!!! only 8 more Mondays. I really don’t think the end of this year could come fast enough, to be honest.

1. First things first: Chiefs are 7-0! Very exciting here in Kansas City. It’s nice to have a football team that is winning.

2. From Sunday (last) through Sunday (yesterday), I ran 15.7 miles! I’m excited to get back to a routine again. I can’t lift until after my 6-week check-up, but I think that will be just in time.

3. I have been cleaning at the Crossfit gym this month and Craig went back to working out there this week. I can’t wait to get back to it. I am starting today with the grain-free, dairy-free and legume-free deal again. I just have to. And I just really need to brainwash myself to believe that I will die if I eat flour and sugar and potatoes. I’ll let you know how that brainwashing goes, though.

4. Oh my. Vincent is a crazy dude. Literally. I just can’t stand it. He makes me question my parenting like none of the other kids did. And he’s only 2. What, oh Lord, am I in for???

6. Back to this grain-free, dairy-free, legume-free stuff: one of the hardest things is food days at work. I just need to have the willpower not to participate. I know that. But then, I don’t want to offend people by NEVER participating. Sigh. I suppose I need to strike a balance somehow. 

7.Halloween is just not doing it for me this year. I can’t seem to get in the mood.

8.When we discipline Vincent, Dominic gets very protective of him. It’s sweet. But unfortunately, for Vincent, doesn’t help him much. We do timeouts and such, and Dominic literally gave me the stink-eye over it one time this weekend and told me to “stop being mean to his brother!!”

9. Nothing is more frustrating than working really hard on the budget and having something bust it.
10. I don’t really have much else to say, so I hope you have a good day. 🙂

Recent Photo I got of my two oldest girls

Have a great Monday!!

7 Quick Takes – 65 (feeling weird edition)


A great big thank you to Jennifer Fulwiler for hosting!

— 1 —

Craig attended the parent meeting for Sacrament preparation this year for Helen. I’m not gonna lie; it is definitely weird to think of Helen having First Reconciliation and First Holy Communion this year. Something about that makes me realize my girls are all getting so big and grown up. Half of my kids will have reached this point. Just feels…weird is all.

— 2 —
You know what else feels weird? Having a daughter who looks like an adult. Nah, she still looks like a kid…but she’s growing so fast! I measured her the other night and since April, she has grown 1.25 inches and gained 8 pounds. Got that? In 6 months, she grew another inch. Granted…Last fall, she grew that much in 6 weeks. But, still! So, here’s the rundown:

July 29, 2012 — Sarah was 58.5 inches (NOT even 5 feet yet) and 82.8 pounds
August 5, 2012 (just one week later, mind you) — Sarah was 59 inches and 86 pounds
September 26, 2012 — Sarah was 59.75 inches and I didn’t get her weight
November 6, 2012 — Sarah was 60.75 inches (passed the 5 foot mark!)
December 10, 2012 — Sarah was 60.75 inches and 92.2 pounds (this was at Dr. office)
April 28, 2013 — Sarah was 62.5 inches and 95.2 pounds
October 14, 2013 — Sarah was 63.75 inches and 103.2 pounds

So basically in almost 15 months, Sarah has grown 5.25 inches and gained 21 pounds.

That, my friends, is what puberty can look like. 

Sarah likes to mess around with my phone while I’m driving, haha
— 3 —

I think I need to start measuring Dani before she gets away from me!! Last year, on August 5, Dani was 70.8 pounds and 53 inches and then on November 13 (3 months later) she was 54 inches and 75.2 pounds. Sadly, I’ve been so crazy watching Sarah grow, I haven’t noticed Dani and whether she has grown. I think I’ll measure all the kids this weekend!
 

— 4 —
Another weird moment is realizing the “baby,” Vincent, is in a “big boy” bed now. We dismantled the crib last weekend and moved the bunk beds to the boys’ room for them to share. Dominic on the top bunk because he’s not cray-cray and won’t fling himself off after a very telling “Hey guys! Watch this!!!” Vincent is on the bottom. This is good, because he already fell off once. But he got back in there and went to sleep after causing a racket over it. 

Here is the boys’ room — Vincent’s bed actually has Winnie the Pooh/Tigger comforter
The girls got side-by-side twin beds (don’t match) and this is without their comforters, too
Gratuitous photo of the Spiderman comforter on Dom’s bed 🙂
— 5 —
Honestly, I am ready for Vincent to want to potty-train. He is so stubborn, though. We’ve had several days at home on weekends where I put his clothes on with no diaper. On the first day, he did have an accident. But he learned…because he hasn’t had one since. He will stay dry for 8 hours (even through a nap!!!) The problem is…he won’t “go” on the potty, either. He just holds it. And that’s not good. So, I know he has control…but I have to convince him to actually GO!! I hope that will happen soon.  

Is this boy cute or what??

— 6 —
Craig and I are going out for a date tonight when I get off work. It’s for his birthday. 🙂
— 7 —
Weekend plans, anyone? Other than a date tonight, I hope to have a walk with a friend Saturday morning. We’ll attend the Saturday vigil Mass like we usually do, and clean at the Crossfit gym Sunday. Of course, we’ll watch the CHIEFS!!! 🙂 How about you?


    Have a great weekend and be sure to go check out Conversion Diary for more 7 Quick Takes Posts!

     





    Throwback Thursday Reruns — The Clear and The Fuzzy

    Today, I’m sharing an old post. I enjoy going back to see what I was writing about almost 3 years ago. It’s interesting to see the things that were on my mind.

    I hope you enjoy this entry from April 2011.


    A clear memory: 

    I was 9 and in 3rd grade and I went with my sister to spend a weekend with my Aunt Bea and Uncle Alex.  My older brother and my two younger siblings were going to stay with a family from our school.  Mom was making a trip to attempt reconciliation with my Dad.  The whole weekend I was busy doing crafts and playing at Aunt Bea’s house, but I was anticipating Monday.  Monday, my dad was coming back with my mom.  I just knew it.  And then we were all going to live in Rhode Island together.  The nightmare that my parents were getting a divorce was over!

    A fuzzy memory:

    I have no idea what, in particular, I did during those days.  I remember going to sleep every night and waking up every morning wondering if it was Monday. 

    When Mom picked me and my sister up on Monday, I don’t quite remember how it went.  Mom visited with Aunt Bea for a little bit and then drove us the 60 minutes back to Topeka and dropped us off at school.  We were tardy, but I was in high spirits..

    A clear memory:

    No one said we were moving to Rhode Island, and that Mom and Dad had worked things out…but I believed it with my whole heart.  Why else would Mom have been gone the entire weekend?  They were looking for a house where we could all fit, checking out schools, right? 

    At recess, I was sharing my joy with the two girls I talked with/hung out with at recess.  I was parlaying my big plans for our reunion as a family when one of the girls laid it to me straight.  She said, “Michelle…your parents are not getting back together and you’re not moving.  I hate to see you get your hopes up for something that’s not real.”

    I cried.  I tried to argue, but couldn’t find the words.  I wanted to scream that she didn’t know what she was talking about.  But at some point it hit me that I hadn’t actually been told for sure.  I mean, my mom said something about how her visit went well with our dad, but he didn’t come home with her.  And I began to realize that without the physical presence of my dad, I couldn’t trust the words that came from my mother and I couldn’t trust my feelings. 

    *******

    Looking back, of course at the age of 9, I couldn’t process what was happening.  However, in that moment, I was beginning to see the dashed hopes and dreams lying within the falsehoods of my pronouncement.  I can see now that the idea – the dream – that my parents were not getting divorced was entirely of my own making.

    I died a little bit that day.  It was the beginning of my realization that Daddy wasn’t coming to get me.  And that Mom wasn’t taking me to him, either.  I remember that as the last day I ever thought or wished that my parents would get back together.  It was the beginning of what became an outlook on life that has stuck with me to this day:  “You can’t rely on any one person in this world.  Suck it up and shut up and move forward.”  Eventually, I learned that I could rely on my siblings and I could rely on God.  I don’t think I’ve ever completely believed again that I could go to my parents with a problem and get true help.

    I consult my dad, sure.  We talk about things.  However, there’s a wall there that prevents his counsel from becoming something I completely turn to and rely on.  Bits and pieces of his counsel find their way into my reasoning, but many times I credit that to the fact that my father and I have a similar worldview and I’d probably go that route regardless of whether my father put words to it.

    Later – when the days and weeks had passed and I got brave again and asked my mother why certain things were the way they were, I got told many times, “Your dad walked out on all of us, not just me” or “Your dad didn’t want you” and “Your dad doesn’t love us anymore.”  Only as an adult can I see the horror of those statements.  Only as a mother who would never dream of killing her children’s hearts, can I detest the hatred behind those statements and the hurt they inflicted. 

    Yes, hurt motivated the statements.  I realize that.  My mother was hurting.  She was rejected.  She was desperate.  But to share that hurt with her children is something I find so difficult to comprehend.

    I am blessed that the hurts my children experience are “children-type” hurts…however, it pains me to see my children hurt.  And if I am ever the one to inflict the hurt on my children (and let’s be real, I’m an adult and I’m human, so I have done it…I have hurt my children’s feelings) it absolutely breaks my heart back on myself. 

    *******

    Part of what led me to counseling three years ago was an experience where I was blessed to hear what I just said from my daughter’s point of view.  And I remember thinking immediately after that…”oh my gosh, that is something my mother did to me and I was so humiliated.” 

    That night I pulled my daughter into her bedroom and I hugged her and I told her that I was sorry.  I admitted my fault.  I said I was wrong.  I told her that sometimes, I need to learn to hold my tongue.  I told her that I loved her and that I would try not to talk to her like that again.

    And I called to make an appointment for counselling the next day.

     

    Happy Birthday, Craig!

    October 16 is Craig’s birthday.

    I’ve always been happy to celebrate the day of his birth, but I think this year, I praise the day even more. This has been a difficult year for us and I’ve leaned on Craig far more than I ever expected to need to. I knew he’d always be there for me and could handle my leaning on him, but I just never thought I would.

    You see, I’m the kind of woman who can handle anything. I grew up starting at the age of 8 without my father, helped care for my younger siblings, dabbled in unmentionable activities in high school — and survived it all. I take pride in my ability to do many physical things — I’m a good athlete and I’m competitive and I win. A lot. 

    When we opened our marriage to new life in our children, it happened for us (pretty much) whenever we wanted it to. When I have gone for promotions at work, I’ve (pretty much) gotten them. It really wasn’t until about 11 years ago that I truly started to understand that I am blessed more by Grace than my own means…but a lifetime of a lack of humility is difficult to tame (though I’m always trying).

    This year, I haven’t won very much. 

    Losing Gregory was the hardest thing I have ever endured. Having pregnancy end in death was not something I ever had a mind or heart for (who does??) And while that’s the biggest hard thing that’s happened this year, there are others.

    I’ve struggled in my job. You see, I have a complex where I want all the people in my group I manage to like me. And it’s been a hard lesson to re-learn that I can’t please everyone.

    Discerning God’s plan for our family size was difficult earlier this year. Gut-wrenching actually. Discovering through prayer and discernment that my final foray into childbearing would end the way it did, with no chance at a “happy ending” to console me was almost impossible, if not for Craig, would have been impossible. He helped me to face my selfishness and lack of trust. It was somewhat selfish that I wanted another baby, because it wasn’t what is the best thing for our family. And though it was difficult, Craig helped me to wade through those feelings and prayers, and reminded me of all the ways we are blessed.

    I’m the more uptight and intense partner in this marriage. Craig is gentle, forgiving, loyal and unwavering. 

    I want what I want and I want it now. Craig reminds me that sometimes God’s blessings and timing are very different than ours.

    I have been an emotional wreck for most of this year — sobbing through Mass, not to be counted on to assist with the children. And at times, feeling like doing nothing around the house, even when there is clearly much work to be done. And there is Craig, rubbing my shoulders, giving me a hug, taking charge of Vincent at Mass, cleaning the house, disciplining the kids — doing his part AND my part — because I am not doing it. Craig has been rock solid and is the reason our home hasn’t fallen apart in the midst of all the chaos this year.

    So…I asked Craig what he wanted for his birthday and he said he didn’t want presents (unless the kids insisted, ha). I know he likes cards, but I am so bad at picking one out. There are many cards that could tell Craig how much he means to me, but I have this public blog and all…so I thought I’d write it here.

    Happy Birthday to the kindest, gentlest, strongest, most caring man I know in this world. My children are blessed to have him for a dad. And I praise God that He saw fit to bless me with Craig for a husband. 

    October 16 — my world is infinitely better because Craig was born on this day.

     

    Miscarriage and Infant Loss Awareness Day

    Today is Miscarriage and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

    In years past, this day would come and go and I would see the posts on facebook or I would read blogs and try to understand. But, today, I understand far more than I ever wanted. I’ve caught myself a few times over the past few days remembering moments here and there that cause me a moment of grief. 

    I recently held a baby that couldn’t have been more than 4 or 5 weeks old. She was so precious, and the tears came, though not heavily. I see pictures of my nephew who is now 6 months old and I wistfully think of my baby boy in Heaven and say a little prayer.
    The loss of a child through miscarriage and/or stillbirth is often a silent and invisible grief. It had only been 3 months and I already had extended family asking my husband if I was getting counseling and if I was okay because I still cried at Mass. In our day and age of “get over it” many times, those who have not been through such a thing don’t understand the pain involved and wonder just why a mother cries in grief months after the loss. In this society where babies are seen as something to be desired only when everything is perfect, many don’t understand why a woman grieves the loss of a child from miscarriage when clearly, “that’s nature’s Mercy for an imperfect child.”

    What I have lived for the last 7 months, I would never wish on anyone. I’m grateful for my faith that helps me understand that Gregory is with God and I pray I will see him when, God-willing, I begin new life in Heaven after my earthly death. But that doesn’t take away the sadness and the longing I have for the baby that didn’t join us here on Earth.

    If you think about it today, say a prayer for a bereaved mother.