My 2-week work vacation is over. I went back to work yesterday.
The kids spring break ended and they went back to school yesterday.
Craig’s schedule started again Saturday.
Saturday was full of activities like ballet, swim practice and guitar lessons. Sunday held another volleyball tournament for Sarah.
I know this is a good thing, but it feels so odd. Over the weekend, I realized I was ready to go back to work. I didn’t think I’d feel ready to cry at the drop of a hat. There’s a part of me that wants to hold on to the sadness, but yet, I can feel it starting to slowly chip away. The past two mornings, as I ran, I prayed the rosary and at the end of all my prayers, I was able to say a few words to my Gregory, too. It’s been odd to think about having a child in heaven. The idea makes sense to me that he can intercede for us and everything, but I just hadn’t had it in me. And even now, I think my attempts are a bit hollow, but — they are attempts.
I think as the sadness starts to go and I get fearful that I will lose my connection, that talking — just a few words — to my baby boy might help me to understand how I can still have a relationship with him. How I can ask him to pray for me, for our family. If I can maintain this awareness and this connection, without the sadness, I might be able to help my other children to have a connection with Gregory, too.
Last week as we waited for the fireworks outside the castle in Magic Kingdom, we struck up conversation. As we talked, Dominic said, “I miss my brother.” And I replied, “Yes, I miss Vincent, too. But I bet he is having fun with Grandma.” and Dominic said, “Yeah. I miss my other brother, Gregory, too.”
Dominic will regularly ask to see Gregory on my Mother’s Ring. He likes to point out all the children on the ring by pointing to their birth stones. It’s hit me that Dominic is old enough that he will remember this sadness in our house that we’ve had over the past 6 weeks. It has already impacted him and he might need the connection to Gregory that I think of between siblings.
So, life has moved on. My heart is still heavy, but I can feel the burden lifting a bit — at least outside of Mass. Mass is still difficult and it may be for awhile. I’ve decided to accept it for what it is. I’m trying to find joy in this Easter season and trying to be positive, even if it feels like a stretch. I figure that’s the only way to go at this point. The toughest part is reminding myself that I am not forgetting Gregory by moving on with life. It feels like I should mourn forever…and I suppose I will in some fashion. Or is that supposed to turn to rejoicing at some point that he is in the presence of our Lord and held in the arms of our Blessed Mother? I don’t know. As life continues, I guess I will figure it out.
|#1-4 on Easter Sunday|
|And #5 — Sweet Vincent|